One-liners

Regarding "Descriptions:"

Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No matter where you go, there you are.

My kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

My boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"

now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

Billion dollar idea: a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, "I'm just cooking!"

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

I might wake up early and go running ... but I also might win the lottery; the odds are about the same.

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie; after a while it won't feel like you're alone anymore.

You can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

Choose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be ... turns out this is called identity theft.

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.