Dying is not popular; it has never caught on.
That's understandable; it's bad for the complexion.
- George Burns
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Told the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot; he looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything."
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
The man who created auto-correct has died;
may he restaurant in peace.
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
I don't care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I wish I loved anything as much as I hate almost everything.
"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."
- Joan Gussow
Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.
When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.