One-liners

I don't own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time and if someone wants to get hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

- Mitch Hedberg

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

 - Ann Landers

Caller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."

Sixty percent of pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandanna around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face.

Never bring a downhill run to an uphill battle.

I'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -  Unknown

Statistics show that statistics can't be trusted.

No one goes there anymore; it's too crowded.

I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

Camping is nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

Dodgeball: America's twist on stoning.

Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

Gonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.