One-liners

 "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."

- Robert Benchley

Every warning label has an awesome backstory.

The man who created auto-correct has died;

may he restaurant in peace.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

- Ben Williams

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.

I don't care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I wish I loved anything as much as I hate almost everything.

"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."

- Joan Gussow

Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced; that's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.

When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

Don't be condescending (that's when you talk down to people).