One-liners

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

- Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I know a lot about cars; I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- Mitch Hedberg

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

"I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

- August Strindberg

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; depends on how much happiness you can handle.

-George Burns

I am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go!

On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.