One-liners

The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.

The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice," so I took it.

The meeting of the clairvoyant society has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

The proper response to Good morning, is not Prove it!

The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well is that they both have a common nemesis.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.

The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.

- Willie Tyler

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The word "aerobics" was invented when the gym instructors got together and said: "If we're going to charge $20 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up and Down."

The words "Do It Yourself" or "Self-Help" are really code for "The Way Chuck Norris Does It."

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There are two secrets for success:

1. Don't reveal all your secrets

There was once a movie entitled, How to Irritate People. It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank.

There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."