One-liners

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive . . . so I took her to a gas station.

When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off - I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.

- David Sigmon

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me and I said, "What do you need?"

When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."

When Ronald Reagan was elected governor of California, movie mogul Jack Warner said, "It's our fault. We should have given him better parts."

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

Why does the label on Children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts...like ties and fur coats."

Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

You always hear people using the phrase working like a dog but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?

You know it's going to be a bad day when YOUR picture is on the milk carton.

You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear May the Force be with you you have an overwhelming urge to respond and also with you.

I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue;" fathers never get a chance to use much of it.