One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A man in his early thirties looking directly at us from inside a house with blurry stairs in the background.My wife said I ruined her birthday, but I don't understand how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

A side view of a brown skinned man with a good looking haircut, left hand partially covering his mouth as he looks to his right disappointed.If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog.

A man in a blue T-shirt and backwards baseball cap doing a hand-palm to his forehead.I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

Close up of male hands on a steering wheel.My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday; that's the last time I get in the car with him driving.

A man with dark hair, glasses and short-sleeved dress shirt & tie, sitting on the grass with his legs out straight.It's so annoying when people use the wrong word & don't have the humidity to admit it.

A couple sitting at a restaurant table holding hands across the table. No faces are in the shot.My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"

I said: "No. I keep telling them it's for you."

A woman leaning against a log, legs outstretched, eyes closed, resting in the sun.After 50 you're like an old phone battery; even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10am you're at 60%.

A woman with short red hair, a blue top and a hand over her mouth looking surprised.I'm not saying your perfume is too strong; I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.My wife is so far out of my league that the cashier put one of those plastic grocery dividers between our stuff like we weren't even together.

The head & shoulders photo of a woman in her 40s, short brown hair, grey sweater, looking directly at us with a blank expression.I've taken so many "before" photos when starting new diets that now I just have a slideshow of myself getting fatter.

A close-up photo of a young woman looking directly at us, head resting on her palm, fingers curled into her cheek.We're really out here living the most difficult section of someone's 2060 history exam.

A man in a short-sleeved green shirt with a blue tie and light brown pants sitting on the grass with legs outstretched.If you fill a piñata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party again.

A photo of a group of about 30 white and brown hunting dogs standing on dirt in the woods.I started a company where you can borrow hunting dogs for the afternoon; it's called, "We Lease the Hounds!"

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt, holding her chin & looking up to her left, thinking.I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded,

"For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer."

A young man with a red & brown checked shirt, hands behind his head, looking at us in surprise.Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

  1. One-Liner #2025
  2. One-Liner #2024
  3. One-Liner #2023
  4. One-Liner #2022

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