One-liners

This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.

To lead the orchestra, you must turn your back on the crowd.

Two things hard on the heart: running up stairs and running down people.

Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'

- Andy Rooney

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What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.

- Henny Youngman

What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive . . . so I took her to a gas station.

When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off - I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.

- David Sigmon

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me and I said, "What do you need?"

When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."

When Ronald Reagan was elected governor of California, movie mogul Jack Warner said, "It's our fault. We should have given him better parts."

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.