One-liners

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

- Jack Lemmon

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire - they're trained for that.

- Milton Jones

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

- Rita Rudner

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It's not so much about "Why this?" as "What's next?"

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM.

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.

(Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)

Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."

My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

My dog treats me like family - the cats treat me like staff.

-- Ed Hector

My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips - I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters.

- Brian Kiley