One-liners

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

For others who may not know this: When the preacher says, You may now kiss the bride, he's only speaking to the groom.

- David Gunter

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

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Grandchildren are God's reward for you not killing your own children.

Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't

feel that men provide them with enough frustration.

How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?

How do they get the 'Do not walk on grass' signs way out in the middle of the lawn?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

I have a speech impediment... my foot.

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

- Spike Donner from Ruminations

I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."