One-liners

I went through hypnosis to lose weight . . . how much does $120 weigh?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

- Jack Lemmon

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire - they're trained for that.

- Milton Jones

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

- Rita Rudner

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It's not so much about "Why this?" as "What's next?"

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'