One-liners

A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully

replaced with merchandise of equal quality."

A watched clock never boils.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.

- Buddy Hackett

At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.

Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying and he said, "Canned goods and ammunition."

Calories are delicious.

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Cats are smarter than dogs - you can't get eight cats to pull a sled thru snow.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.