One-liners

“The difference between God and a fighter pilot is that God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.”

“The early bird still has to eat worms.”

“The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.”

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

“The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.”

- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“The older I get the better I used to be.”

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.”

“The optimist says the glass is half full, the pessimist says the glass is half empty, and the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

“The reason they called golf "golf" was all the other 4-letter words were taken.”

“The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.”

“There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them... PULL and PUSH”

“Three things cause severe memory loss: a blow to the head, old age, and testifying before a congressional hearing.”

“Time is fun when you're having flies.”

~ Kermit the Frog

“To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.”