“My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.”
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
“My money says that the guy who wrote "I Believe I Can Fly" has never actually tried it.”
“My reality check bounced.”
“My Uncle Mort was a REAL salesman -- he made a living selling wealthy Eskimo's igloos with fire escapes!”
“Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”
“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”
“One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.”
“Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.”
“Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”
“Pobody is nerfect!”
“Punctual people have nothing better to do.”
“Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.”
“Remember, heck is reserved for those who don't give a dang.”
“Save time . . . see it my way.”
“Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to "resident," just write a big "P" in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”