One-liners

“Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency; I think you should write "911"!”

“Everyone is entitled to my opinion.”

“Everyone is on this low-fat craze now; the Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.”

“Fools rush in...and get all the best seats.”

“Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.”

“He who hesitates is not only lost but is miles from the next exit.”

“Here lies Ezekial Aikle age 102 - the Good Die Young.”

“Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there...”

“He's a fine broth of a boy, too bad some of his noodles are missing.”

“Honk if you're rich, cute, and love horses.”

“How can the world end in 2012 when I have yogurt that expires in 2013?”

“How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”

“I am Popeye of Borg; prepare to be askimilgrated.”