One-liners

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”

- Bernard Manning

“I smile because I have no idea what's going on.”

“I told a girl she drew her eyebrows to high – she looked surprised.”

“I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.”

“I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.”

“I wish the chemists who successfully removed the lead from gasoline would try the same with our politicians.”

“I’d work out, but I’m still trying to perfect my ‘before’ picture.”

“I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”

“I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.”

“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?”

“If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.”

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.”

“If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!”

“If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?”

“If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.”