One-liners

"What's another word for synonym?"

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

~Henny Youngman

"What's the use of having ignorance if you can't show it?"

- Lou Costello

"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

- Jack Handey

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."

- Dick Gregory

"When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there - serving them drinks."

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me - according to the letter."

- Emo Philips

"When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty."

"When the space shuttle finally lands, everybody wear ape suits.... pass it on!"

"When will all the rhetorical questions end?"

"When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas."

"When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 if you don't mind making an idiot of yourself."

"Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR" - what's my mother going to do."

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."

- Jerry Seinfeld