One-liners

"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

~Dave Barry

"The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow."

"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."

"The older I get, the faster I was."

"The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee."

"The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket."

"The other day I nearly succumbed to a bout of narcissism: seriously, I just don't know what's come over me, me, me, me."

"The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket."

"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."

"The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by

bread alone."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."

- George Burns

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office."

~Will Rogers