One-liners

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

- Rita Rudner

"Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road."

"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."

"Support the metric system every inch of the way!"

"Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either."

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."

"Television has brought back murder into the home where it belongs."

- Alfred Hitchcock.

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three."

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."

"The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ...........…"

"The difference between a computer expert and a novice is that the novice hesitates before doing anything stupid."

"The first myth of management is that it exists."

"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot - like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'"

- David Spade

"The human brain is a wonderful thing: it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."