One-liners

"I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling."

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

- Woody Allen

"I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?"

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

- Woody Allen

"In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree."

"In light of the economic crisis, My family extending the 5 second rule for dropped food to 10 seconds, especially in the case of blueberries."

- Rick Griffin

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."

"In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens."

"Irony: God made the tortoise with a 0.3 drag co-efficient."

"It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student."

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose."

"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."

- Erma Bombeck

"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."

"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."

"It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry."