One-liners

"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."

"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted"

"Jesus said we will always have the poor amongst us. Well, here I am."

- Juan Ruiz, www.askjuan.net

"Join the AAAAAA! (American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous)"

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

"Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other."

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts."

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

- Mark Twain

"Lecturing is transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either."

"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."

"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.”

~ Mary Schmich

"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf."

"May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters."

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."