One-liners

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees."

"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."

- Dick Gregory

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

- W.C. Fields

"I never make misakes."

"I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."

"I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!"

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter."

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."

- Dennis Leary

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, you know?"

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money."

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains."

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home tomorrow."

~ Margaret Smith

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. "