One-liners

"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"

- Ed Penland

"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials."

- Tim H. Richweis

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?"

"If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings."

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?"

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either."

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!"

"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"

- Lily Tomlin

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles

"If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?"

"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."

"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it."

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."

"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."