One-liners

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

- Robert Orben

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything."

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."

- Frank Lloyd Wright

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!"

~Spider Robinson

"I'm in great shape for a man of 65 years - it's too bad I'm only 42."

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

"I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling."

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

- Woody Allen

"I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?"

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

- Woody Allen

"In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree."

"In light of the economic crisis, My family extending the 5 second rule for dropped food to 10 seconds, especially in the case of blueberries."

- Rick Griffin

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."

"In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens."

"Irony: God made the tortoise with a 0.3 drag co-efficient."