One-liners

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis."

I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me. My insurance company is Calvary Trust.

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

~Groucho Marx

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener."

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in."

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."

~@toddieC

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work."

"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people."