One-liners

"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not to scream - everybody knows wolves can smell fear."

- Sean Alex

"If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you - but then again, you should consider your track record."

"If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?"

"If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip."

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."

"If you're a cynic, everyone's corrupt - if you're an idealist, everyone's corrupt, except you."

"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."

"If you're not receiving enough attention in a store, try knocking over some very expensive antique lamps."

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

- Robert Orben

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything."

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."

- Frank Lloyd Wright

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!"

~Spider Robinson

"I'm in great shape for a man of 65 years - it's too bad I'm only 42."

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."