One-liners

"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature."

- Kevin Hench

"My home town was so small that the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages."

"My home town was so small that when it snows, salt is spread with a salad shooter."

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

~Ed Furgol

"My memory's not as sharp as it used to be - also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be."

"My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it is gone."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

"My parents want me to have the things they didn't have when they were kids - like, all As on every report card."

"My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine."

"My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she's right."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe."

~ Jimmy Durante

"My wild oats have turned into bran flakes."

"Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic."

"Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time."

"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."