One-liners

"My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from him."

- Victor Borge

"My favorite party game is 'Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.'"

"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature."

- Kevin Hench

"My home town was so small that the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages."

"My home town was so small that when it snows, salt is spread with a salad shooter."

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

~Ed Furgol

"My memory's not as sharp as it used to be - also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be."

"My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it is gone."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

- Ashleigh Brilliant

"My parents want me to have the things they didn't have when they were kids - like, all As on every report card."

"My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine."

"My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she's right."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe."

~ Jimmy Durante

"My wild oats have turned into bran flakes."

"Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic."