One-liners

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts."

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

- Mark Twain

"Lecturing is transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either."

"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."

"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.”

~ Mary Schmich

"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf."

"May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters."

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo"

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that's close enough."

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."

- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster - keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this."

"My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from him."

- Victor Borge

"My favorite party game is 'Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.'"