One-liners

"It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring."

"It was different when we were kids; in second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day."

- Paul Clay

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."

- Franklin P. Jones

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy - it's a question of finding a sickness you like."

~Jackie Mason

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy, it's a question of finding a sickness you like."

~Jackie Mason

"It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature."

"It's not an optical illusion - it just looks like one."

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."

- Abraham Lincoln

"It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."

"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."

"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted"

"Jesus said we will always have the poor amongst us. Well, here I am."

- Juan Ruiz, www.askjuan.net

"Join the AAAAAA! (American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous)"

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

"Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other."