One-liners

"Television has brought back murder into the home where it belongs."

- Alfred Hitchcock.

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three."

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."

"The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ...........…"

"The difference between a computer expert and a novice is that the novice hesitates before doing anything stupid."

"The first myth of management is that it exists."

"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot - like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'"

- David Spade

"The human brain is a wonderful thing: it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."

"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

~Dave Barry

"The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow."

"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."