One-liners

"When the space shuttle finally lands, everybody wear ape suits.... pass it on!"

"When will all the rhetorical questions end?"

"When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas."

"When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 if you don't mind making an idiot of yourself."

"Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR" - what's my mother going to do."

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years."

"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."

~Gene Hill

"Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?"

"Why are you driving me crazy when you know it's within walking distance?"

"Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? "

"Why do they call it a drop cloth when the paint usually drops where the cloth ISN'T?"

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?"

"Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?"