One-liners

"The older I get, the faster I was."

"The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee."

"The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket."

"The other day I nearly succumbed to a bout of narcissism: seriously, I just don't know what's come over me, me, me, me."

"The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket."

"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."

"The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by

bread alone."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."

- George Burns

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office."

~Will Rogers

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

- Calvin and Hobbes - Bill Watterson

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."

- David Richerby

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

"The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six days later you're hungry again."

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."