One-liners

"They say kids brighten the home - that's because they never turn the lights off."

"Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."

"Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician."

"To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!"

"To prevent sagging skin eat 'til the wrinkles fill out."

"To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question...or is it?"

"Today I went to buy a toaster and was given a bank as a free gift."

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life but so was yesterday and look how you messed that up."

"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."

"Trouble with grammar have I, yes."

- Yoda

"Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance"

"Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat."

"Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted."

"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."