One-liners

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?"

- Bullwinkle J. Moose

"We've come so far that community service is considered punishment."

"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist."

"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

~Mark Twain

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

~Charlotte Whitton

"What's another word for synonym?"

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

~Henny Youngman

"What's the use of having ignorance if you can't show it?"

- Lou Costello

"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

- Jack Handey

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."

- Dick Gregory

"When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there - serving them drinks."

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me - according to the letter."

- Emo Philips

"When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty."