One-liners

"You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint."

“A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”

“A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.”

“A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops and on my desk I have a work station . . .”

“A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 10 kids but doesn't really care.”

“A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.”

“A penny saved is a government oversight.”

“A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.”

“A watched clock never boils.”

“A woman's work is never done. So why bother?”

“All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.”

“Allowance is what you pay your kids to live with you.”

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have - the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

“Anuther grate mind ruened bi thu educashin sistym.”

“As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with.”