One-liners

“Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there...”

“He's a fine broth of a boy, too bad some of his noodles are missing.”

“Honk if you're rich, cute, and love horses.”

“How can the world end in 2012 when I have yogurt that expires in 2013?”

“How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”

“I am Popeye of Borg; prepare to be askimilgrated.”

“I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

“I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their size and temperatures and all that, but what really gets me is how they find out what their names are!”

“I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

~Will Rogers

“I doubt, therefore I might be.”

“I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.”

“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

“I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging - it'll be called You-Twit-Face.”

“I looked at my Christmas tree today and sure enough, I couldn’t see any forests..”