One-liners

“Pobody is nerfect!”

“Punctual people have nothing better to do.”

“Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.”

“Remember, heck is reserved for those who don't give a dang.”

“Save time . . . see it my way.”

“Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to "resident," just write a big "P" in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”

“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”

“Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of insomnia.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true - some smaller countries are neutral.”

“Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road.”

“Studying economics may not give you the answers to serious economic problems, but at least you'll learn to avoid being deceived by economists.”

“Sure, it's the thought that counts, but couldn't people think a little bigger?”

“Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.”

“The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.”

“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”