One-liners

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

~Will Rogers

“I doubt, therefore I might be.”

“I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.”

“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

“I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging - it'll be called You-Twit-Face.”

“I looked at my Christmas tree today and sure enough, I couldn’t see any forests..”

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”

- Bernard Manning

“I smile because I have no idea what's going on.”

“I told a girl she drew her eyebrows to high – she looked surprised.”

“I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.”

“I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.”

“I wish the chemists who successfully removed the lead from gasoline would try the same with our politicians.”

“I’d work out, but I’m still trying to perfect my ‘before’ picture.”

“I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”

“I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.”