One-liners

“To the people who leave their carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: It's me who puts the extra items in there.”

“We're all in this alone.”

- Lily Tomlin

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

“When I can't be kind, I try to have the decency to be vague.”

“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

~ Henny Youngman

“Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.”

“Where am I going and why am I in this hand basket?”

“Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?”

“Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?”

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

“Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?”

“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?”

“Why were so many Civil War battles fought in national parks?”

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

“You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”