One-liners

“I’d work out, but I’m still trying to perfect my ‘before’ picture.”

“I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”

“I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.”

“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?”

“If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.”

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.”

“If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!”

“If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?”

“If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.”

“If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?”

“If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.”

“If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.”

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”

“If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, ’Help, they've turned me into a parrot’, you are wasting everybody's time.”

“If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.”