One-liners

“Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”

“Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.”

“Millions who long for immortality don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.”

“My body may be present, but my mind has already teed off.”

“My doctor asked me if I'd thought about losing some weight and I told him I'd thought about it for 20 years.”

“My husband says I never listen to him; at least I think that's what he said.”

“My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.”

“My money says that the guy who wrote "I Believe I Can Fly" has never actually tried it.”

“My reality check bounced.”

“My Uncle Mort was a REAL salesman -- he made a living selling wealthy Eskimo's igloos with fire escapes!”

“Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”

“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”

“One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.”

“Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.”

“Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”