One-liners

“You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.”

“You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.”

“You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.”

“You're not shy: you're conversationally selective."

“You're only as old as you feel ... the next day.”

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully

replaced with merchandise of equal quality."

A watched clock never boils.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.

- Buddy Hackett

At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!