One-liners

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.”

“The optimist says the glass is half full, the pessimist says the glass is half empty, and the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

“The reason they called golf "golf" was all the other 4-letter words were taken.”

“The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.”

“There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them... PULL and PUSH”

“Three things cause severe memory loss: a blow to the head, old age, and testifying before a congressional hearing.”

“Time is fun when you're having flies.”

~ Kermit the Frog

“To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.”

“To the people who leave their carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: It's me who puts the extra items in there.”

“We're all in this alone.”

- Lily Tomlin

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

“When I can't be kind, I try to have the decency to be vague.”

“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

~ Henny Youngman

“Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.”