One-liners

How do they get the 'Do not walk on grass' signs way out in the middle of the lawn?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

I have a speech impediment... my foot.

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

- Spike Donner from Ruminations

I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that.

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" but just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

I married Miss Right - I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

(Greg Norman)

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction - I get to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke

I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I wish I had a nickel for every time this PC rebooted!"

- Chris Caswell

I tried doing stand-up once but everyone just laughed at me.

- Ziggy

I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt.