One-liners

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that.

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" but just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

I married Miss Right - I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

(Greg Norman)

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction - I get to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke

I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I wish I had a nickel for every time this PC rebooted!"

- Chris Caswell

I tried doing stand-up once but everyone just laughed at me.

- Ziggy

I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I went through hypnosis to lose weight . . . how much does $120 weigh?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.