One-liners

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM.

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.

(Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)

Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."

My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

My dog treats me like family - the cats treat me like staff.

-- Ed Hector

My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips - I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters.

- Brian Kiley

My home town was so small that in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling out the forms. When she came to the line "Color of Hair," she put, "L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.

On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:

Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.