One-liners

The word "aerobics" was invented when the gym instructors got together and said: "If we're going to charge $20 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up and Down."

The words "Do It Yourself" or "Self-Help" are really code for "The Way Chuck Norris Does It."

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There are two secrets for success:

1. Don't reveal all your secrets

There was once a movie entitled, How to Irritate People. It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank.

There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."

This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.

To lead the orchestra, you must turn your back on the crowd.

Two things hard on the heart: running up stairs and running down people.

Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'

- Andy Rooney

Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."

We're looking for interested folks who would like to join 'Time Travelers for a Better Yesterday' last week.

What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.

- Henny Youngman

What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.