One-liners

“Where am I going and why am I in this hand basket?”

“Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?”

“Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?”

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

“Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?”

“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?”

“Why were so many Civil War battles fought in national parks?”

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

“You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”

“You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.”

“You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.”

“You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.”

“You're not shy: you're conversationally selective."

“You're only as old as you feel ... the next day.”

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.