One-liners

"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked."

- Jeff Pesis

"Have a nice day...someplace else!"

"Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee."

"Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy."

"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"

"Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him."

"Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces."

"How do a fool and his money get together?"

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"

- Satchel Paige

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."

~ Bill Cosby

"Hypochondriacs are sick."

"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."

"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me."

"I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don't think I need that."

- Jay Leno

"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."