One-liners

"Centipede: An ant built to government specifications."

"Chickens should learn to talk because nobody ever said let's go get a bucket of parrot."

"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."

- Richard Zera.

"Christmas -- when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but ten extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear!"

"Christmas is just like any day at the office - you do all the work and one guy in a suit gets all the credit."

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing."

"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery."

"College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone."

"DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID; think about it."

"Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that, within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"

"Ditch the driving test for an I.Q. test."

"Do the right thing because one cookie would just be afraid by itself in the dark, right?"

"Do you find it strange that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?"

"Dogs lick you because they love you - cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner."

"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."