One-liners

"All the world loves a lover - except people who are waiting to use the phone."

- Milton Berle

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle - if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."

"Amazing - you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!"

"Among the English language's many puzzling words is 'economy' which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles."

"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."

"Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone - that's actually what caused many of their deaths ... pillow fights."

"Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

"Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?"

"Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?"

"As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with."

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

"As a teenager you are in the last stage of life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."

~Fran Lebowitz

"As I said before, I never repeat myself."

"Ask me about my vow of silence."