One-liners

"I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it."

"If a double dip recession is so bad, why does it sound so delicious?"

"Call Waiting: Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo."

Sign in a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?"

"Forget this dead end town - I'm going to mime school!"

"Your wife wants to be treated like a queen - just not Marie Antoinette."

"The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application form."

"Prepositions are not things to end sentences with."

"I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you - it was much cheaper back then."

"I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!"

"The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic."

Buy a parrot and teach him how to say this one thing: "Help! they transformed me into a parrot, help me!!"

"It is better to own a politician than be one."

"I have not yet begun to procrastinate."