One-liners

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"I intend to live forever; so far, so good."

"Buying stuff online gives me a reason to live for another 5-7 business days."

"Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem."

"Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and name streets after them."

"All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand."

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends."

People at my workplace have started a funny new tradition where they put names on food in the office fridge - today I ate sandwich called Mark.

"Half the people you know are below average."

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"
- Dave Barry

"Human Relations: For every action, there is a corresponding overreaction."