One-liners

Be An Optimist: No sense being pessimistic...it won't work anyway.

Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

"Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos."

"Diets are hard - today I had cupcakes without sprinkles."

"Cigarettes are pretty much like cats: perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it."

"I don't date women my own age, there are no women my own age."
- George Burns 

"They don't pay taxes, they barely speak English and they want our jobs - something must be done about children."

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"Lazy fact #126744368842085: you were too lazy to read that number."

"Is it just me or does the word skeptical look like it's spelled wrong?"

"It used to be all fun and games."
- Cyclops

"Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of nothing."

"Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid."

"Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface."

"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."
- Sam Snead