"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."
- Irv Kupcinet
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
- Phyllis Diller
"You know you're old when everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work."
- George Burns
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes."
"Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids."
"You know you are no longer young when you hear a favorite song in an elevator."
I accidentally used aol.com to search for something today - I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
"Paperclips are staples for people with commitment issues."
"The next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look a them shocked and just whisper quietly, 'You can see me?'"
"So the Mayans could see the end of the world in 2012 but couldn't see the Spanish coming in 1520?"
"I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die and I’m pretty surprised 'Yell for help' wasn’t one of them."
“The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
"Silence is golden unless you have a toddler - then, silence is just suspicious."