One-liners

"My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper."

"Ask me about my narcissism!"

"A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population."

"Retail Therapy should be covered by health insurance."

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon and follow them up with, "Ah I guess you had to be there."

"I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me."

Be An Optimist: No sense being pessimistic...it won't work anyway.

Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

"Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos."

"Diets are hard - today I had cupcakes without sprinkles."

"Cigarettes are pretty much like cats: perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it."

"I don't date women my own age, there are no women my own age."
- George Burns 

"They don't pay taxes, they barely speak English and they want our jobs - something must be done about children."

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"Lazy fact #126744368842085: you were too lazy to read that number."