One-liners

I want to grow my own food but I can’t find any bacon seeds.

For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.

Short in the front, long in the back . . . pickup trucks are the mullets of automobiles.

I think the discovery channel should be on a different channel every day.

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

I don't have time to discuss all the lies in your name, jellyfishes.

One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

I bet the NSA's nickname for my mom is 'all caps in Florida'.

The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider’s web.

If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room in which it is located.

My pillow is my hair stylist.

If I don't clean my home soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial.

I can't believe all the singles in my area that want to meet me - it's probably because of all the iPads I've won!

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.