One-liners

"You may say that I'm a dreamer: the clinical term is narcoleptic."

"When one door closes another one opens, you should really get that cabinet fixed."

"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute - I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date."

“They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian - well, they’re not laughing now!”
- Bob Monkhouse

Remember half the people you know are below average.

"Save the whales - collect the whole set!"

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"Raise my hand if you believe in telekinesis."

When I was a kid you didn't have to say, "Don't try this at home!" because we weren't complete morons back then.

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Aldous Huxley

"The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are."

“My condolences to the self-esteem of the teenage boy who just got stopped by a mall Proactiv saleswomen – that’s how super villains are born.”
- Michael Wong

"Whether you mean it or not, be sincere!"

"The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go to MySpace."