One-liners

"There are only three kinds of people: Those who are good in math and those who are not."

What do atheist's do when stuck behind cars stopped at green lights with bumper stickers that say, “Honk if you love Jesus.”

Scones are just biscuits that have studied abroad.

"I lost my job at the fire hydrant factory - could never find a parking spot."
- Steven Wright

Fed-Ex and UPS reported today that they are merging under the new name "Fed-Up" and that they are disbanding their entire customer service department.

Double-negatives are a no-no.

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"The Mayan calendar predicts that December 21, 2012 will be the most annoying day on Facebook ever,"

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner

Had the Mayans been any good at predicting the end of the world they would have seen the Spanish coming.

I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December. 

"Tchaikovsky is probably my favorite composer that’s also a sneeze. "

"I'm an expert on Chinese food - when I eat it I only use one chopstick."

Life should have a purpose, however meaningless.

"The colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it."