One-liners

Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.

I want to grow my own food but I can’t find any bacon seeds.

For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.

Short in the front, long in the back . . . pickup trucks are the mullets of automobiles.

I think the discovery channel should be on a different channel every day.

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

I don't have time to discuss all the lies in your name, jellyfishes.

One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

I bet the NSA's nickname for my mom is 'all caps in Florida'.

The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.