Early mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
When you interview for a position as a ninja, don't show up: you'll be a shoe-in for the job.
"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
– Stuart Turner
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.
If ceiling fans could hold your weight, you'd never be bored again.
I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!
If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.
Auto-correct has become my worst enema.
I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast.
How many boxes of these thin mints do I need to eat before I see results?
"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."