One-liners

I personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.

- George Burns

It's taken me hours, but I finally put together this IKEA joke.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away; a garlic a day keeps everyone away!

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.

I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.

The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Piety: you had me at pie.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."

@unappreciatedpastor

I'm called the master of suspense because

I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.