No one is listening until you make a mistake.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
If people could be paid to die for us, they'd get rich.
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- Nora Ephron
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
I intend to live forever; so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time and if someone wants to get hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
- Mitch Hedberg
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers
Caller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."
Sixty percent of pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandanna around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face.
Never bring a downhill run to an uphill battle.
I'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.