One-liners

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

What WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"?