"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
George: Rich, ME? No, I'm a pauper.
Gracie: Congratulations! Boy or girl?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Dying is not popular; it has never caught on.
That's understandable; it's bad for the complexion.
- George Burns
Told the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot; he looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything."
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
The man who created auto-correct has died;
may he restaurant in peace.
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
I don't care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.